The Oregon Trail

2009-08-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

We're going to head out tomorrow. Met the group, and everyone is who everyone is. Some are quiet, some talk a lot, some think they know what they're doing but don't. One such person is Jebediah. He clearly has something to prove, and is probably the most unhappy person I have ever met. It's not good to put unhappy people in dangerous situations, such as the one we are about to start. But then again, it's fine, because what happens happens and reacting in any such way is what leads to unhappiness in the first place.

- Zed

2009-08-25T06:20:00.001-07:00

Jack here. There are 3 really hot girls. One is married, she's blonde and has blue eyes and is always giggling and smiling. The other seems to be Mexican or something, she is dark and has a boyfriend who always talks about watches. The third, Beatrice, is the hottest lady I've ever seen. She is quiet but often praises Jesus, which is annoying. Praise Jesus on your own time. But anyway, I will definitely have sex with all 3 of them. There is another lady, but she has a buzz cut and carries an axe with her, so, uh, forget that.

We went to Tom's General Store for supplies, and that Tom character has quite a racket going. Actually met the guy. I was looking at socks and I saw some boxes moving. Then I heard someone whispering, and I could make out someone saying "over here, behind the boxes." It turns out it was Tom, he said he was hiding. What a freak. But the guy is really rich, so he can be as weird as he wants. Money. People talk about fundamental reality being particles, or the word of Jesus, or some mystical nothingness, but reality is the market, signified by money. When I am the richest man in Oregon I will have any woman I want and then I can sow my seed and Oregon will become the land of Jack and I will become one with the universe and then I'll never die and be able to have sex with hot women forever.

2009-08-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

OMG, I am so excited. We met everyone who we're going out west with, and everyone seems super nice, but I don't think I like Jasmine. She is so clingy with Pablo. Like, she doesn't leave him alone. Pablo is quiet, but when I met him, he shook my hand and said "Hello, I am Pablo, I make watches, but sometimes I also break them and fix them." I was like, ok Pablo, whatever you say! LOL!!!!!!!!!

Then there's Zed. Zed is usually quiet, but when he talks he says important stuff. Like, Jebediah wanted to buy a certaint type of bullet for his musket, but Zed was like, no, don't buy that bullet, it will shatter into pieces when it hits the animal and it will be hard to eat. I think Jebediah felt embarassed, and I grabbed onto his hand so he wouldn't feel stupid, but he just got loose and walked away.

Oh, and one more CRAZY thing: I was sitting outside the store because it was mad stuffy in there, and who do I meet but Tom himself! He was such a nice man, and he told me how pretty I am and how I'll be the most beautiful actress in Oregon!

Well, gotta go!

-Mary

2009-08-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I have met everyone in the group, and I think it will be a nice trip. We went to Tom's and I purchased a watch, which I will break and fix many times over the course of the trip. I like to do that - to break watches and fix them, because I am a watchmaker, but also a watchbreaker and fixer. People pay me money to break their watches and then fix them. They say it's soothing or something. Like, hey, you're breaking something of mine, but now you're fixing it, and now it works! If only other things could be fixed!

On an interesting side note, I met Tom, the owner of Tom's General Store. I think I was the only one who met him, he approached me while I was in a far-off corner of the store looking at watches. He said it was nice to meet me and he thought it was great that a watchbreaker, fixer and maker was going on the Oregon Trail.

-Pablo

2009-08-24T08:14:00.001-07:00

We got totally screwed over at Tom's General Store, where we purchased our dry goods. We walked in and there was a lifelike wooden cutout of Tom. A couple of minutes later I was looking at nails and there was another wooden cutout, or so I thought. All of a sudden it started talking to me and it turns out it was the real Tom. He was such a jackass, though, and his prices were ridiculous, and I told him so, and he said the prices were fair, and I said if by fair he meant not fair, then he was definitely correct.

The people in the group are mostly assholes, although Jasmine is pretty hot. She's with some tool named Pablo who makes watches. How stupid is that? He makes watches! And I thought farming, sucked.

-Jebediah

2009-08-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Independence, Missouri!!! Many people started the Oregon Trail from here! Before you go, you'll need to get some supplies...

2009-08-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today I was eating some buffalo wings in preparation for our trip (I'm sure we'll see some buffalo!). As I was eating I dripped some buffalo sauce on my foot, and I noticed my feet looked GROSS, so I spent all afternoon grooming my nails and rubbings scented oils on my feet. By the end my feet looked SOOO pretty. I hope Pablo notices.

This will be such a great trip! I am hoping it will bring Pablo and I even closer together, and maybe he will finally make me an honest woman! LOL! JK.

My sister died not too long ago. She had wanted to go to Oregon. I will be thinking of her the entire time and she will be in my heart! I know she'd be so happy to know I'm going to Oregon. This trip is for her!

-Jasmine

2009-08-20T07:38:00.001-07:00

Jack here. I'm a banker. I build relationships between clients and the bank. And I make money. Lots and lots of money. I get lots of girls. Before we get to Oregon, I will bang all the women going on this trip. If they are married, it doesn't matter. If they are ugly or fat, it may matter, but most likely not.

-Jack

2009-08-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Oregon to start a new life. I'm not proud of my past, and I have been reborn and saved by my Lord, Jesus Christ. Through him I am pure. I feel so happy and I want to become friends with everyone going on this trip out to Oregon. It will be dangerous, but the Lord will get us there safe and sound.

Yes, I was a prostitute, but so was Mary Magadeline, and Jesus loved her. I am now born anew and I have left that life behind and I will not sleep with a man again until we've taken our vows.

Amen.

-Beatrice

2009-08-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

I chop wood, that's what I do. People don't know, ye see, but chopping wood is all there is at the time. Just ye, ye ax, and the tree, and when ye start chopping, there's just chopping. God I love chopping.

Oregon has the finest wood chopping in the country. Here in New England, it's all right, but they don't take kindly to woman who want to chop wood. Out west they don't mind. If ye can chop wood, that's all that matters.

-Chrissy (Chris)

2009-08-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am Pablo. I make watches. It is difficult to make watches. There are many gizmos and pieces. I have to wear a special lens so that I can see things that are very small. If you look with your naked eye you don't see that much, but with the lens everything appears that is hidden.

I am Pablo, and I am going out west with my girlfriend, Jasmine. Sometimes I wear a lens when I am with her, for, you know, our private times.

Once we get to Oregon I will open a great watch factory. I will call it Pablo's Watch Factory.

-Pablo

2009-08-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

Going out west. That's fine. Everything's always fine. Even in the war, my best friend, Rhodes McDonald, had his head blown off by a cannon ball, and that's fine, too, because what happens happens.

I'm going out west because I like adventure. I mean, it's fine. Hunting, getting into skirmishes with wild injuns, attacks by wild boars, that's all fine. Etc. etc.

Yesterday I was walking down the main street and this fellow gave me a weird look and I said "is something wrong?" and he just kept walking. The whole day I was wondering why he gave me a weird look, was it my boots? They are kind of old. I couldn't understand but then I finally just realized, it doesn't matter, it's fine.

By the way, my friend, Rhodes McDonald, didn't have his head blown off by a cannonball. No. A Mexican soldier named Enrique Iglesias betrayed and murdered him. I will get my revenge, in this life or the next. It will be fine.

-Zed

2009-08-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

OMG, I am so excited for this trip! Honestly, my life has been, like, kind of boring for a while. Jebediah says we'll be able to create a new life for ourselves in Oregon. He says he has a friend who owns a theater and he'll give me a part! OMG! I've always wanted to be in the theater, and everyone says I have the looks and personality for it!

-Mary

2009-08-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I cannot wait to get going. Just a couple more weeks.

I am so tired of farming. It's so boring and repetitive. And seriously, a man with my intelligence should not be engaging in repetitive tasks. Is this really why I'm here? To till?

My stupid wife Mary doesn't shut the hell up about our upcoming journey. "Oh my god! I can't believe we're doing this! This is going to be so good for us! What an adventure!"

Jesus, good for us? Best case scenario is she gets bit by a rattlesnake and dies. That would be what's good for us, if you want my opinion.

At any rate, if that doesn't happen, and it probably won't, there's always dysentery.

-Jebediah